So many people talk about being more confident. They want more as if it some sort of commodity you can pick up at the supermarket. The truth is you already have it. It's there inside of you. The only problem is finding it.
Well, I don't know about you, but whenever I lose something (and with things like car keys, that's pretty regular), first thing I do is STOP. I then go over my steps and try to think "when did I last have that?" and "where was I when I used that last?" I ask myself "what was it I was doing when I had it?"
Now, next time you say you want more confidence, try asking yourself those questions. Bit by bit you'll find your confidence. And the more you use it, the less likely you are to misplace it again.
Now, if only I could make it that simple with the car keys....
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Friday, 5 March 2010
Don't Ask Me Why
If I could ban one word rom the English language, what would that be?
Ok, so I'm sitting thinking and words that come into my mind are greed - poverty - rape - violence - elitism - pain - ignorance.
BUT - banning the words doesn't get rid of what they represent.
So, if I could STOP my self using one word - what would that be?
WHY
and why would I do that?
Well, "why" demands, "why" seeks justification, "why" threatens and, "why" leaves us feeling insecure.
We are so used to asking "why" we don't even think about what is happening. We see something (mostly something that we don't understand) and we say "why did you do that?"
Immediately the person being asked assumes that whatever "it" is, it must be wrong - there must be a fault, someone is to blame - and YOU are blaming THEM. So they start defending, justifying and off-loading blame quickly.
If you've ever spent time with a toddler going through the "why" stage, remember what it was like? Over and over and over again, everything you say is greeted with "why?" Remember when you couldn't take "why" anymore. Then you snap and you say...
BECAUSE...
and a little voice says "why?"
You learn to hate answering questions and children stop asking...and that horrible journey into our spirit being stiffled begins....
OK - so what can you do about it?
Well, when something happens, instead of asking "why", try asking "what" or "how".
When you do this, your moving your question from the emotional justification into the mechanical explanation. Like this:
Someone has just broken your favourite ornament. "How did that happen?" You're more likely to get an honest exlanation leading up to the breakage. You then understand what happened and realise that a) it was an accident; b) you left it in a vulnerable place or c) this person is clumsy, but it wasn't done out of malice.
At work, someone files your report in the most illogical place. "What was the reason for filing it there?" You listen. You understand. With this new information you a) know how this person's mind works; b) learn an easier way to do something and/or c) understand your own communication and how you could have explained yourself better.
Ask WHY to any of the above and you would have got "it wasn't me" or "I don't know" or "BECAUSE"
And in their mind, the other person would be thinking "you're always picking on me, it's always my fault, I never can please you, you think I do this just to make life difficult, I really hate being here, you're always criticising me....just go away..." And they are searching for the words they think you want to hear, rather than just the truth about "what" or "how"
So, you have one defensive, demoralised, unmotivated person - one relationship is more distant - lines of communication become more foggy and you still don't know the what or how, the who or the when - the thing you really wanted to know when you said "why".
And that's why I want to ban WHY!
Ok, so I'm sitting thinking and words that come into my mind are greed - poverty - rape - violence - elitism - pain - ignorance.
BUT - banning the words doesn't get rid of what they represent.
So, if I could STOP my self using one word - what would that be?
WHY
and why would I do that?
Well, "why" demands, "why" seeks justification, "why" threatens and, "why" leaves us feeling insecure.
We are so used to asking "why" we don't even think about what is happening. We see something (mostly something that we don't understand) and we say "why did you do that?"
Immediately the person being asked assumes that whatever "it" is, it must be wrong - there must be a fault, someone is to blame - and YOU are blaming THEM. So they start defending, justifying and off-loading blame quickly.
If you've ever spent time with a toddler going through the "why" stage, remember what it was like? Over and over and over again, everything you say is greeted with "why?" Remember when you couldn't take "why" anymore. Then you snap and you say...
BECAUSE...
and a little voice says "why?"
You learn to hate answering questions and children stop asking...and that horrible journey into our spirit being stiffled begins....
OK - so what can you do about it?
Well, when something happens, instead of asking "why", try asking "what" or "how".
When you do this, your moving your question from the emotional justification into the mechanical explanation. Like this:
Someone has just broken your favourite ornament. "How did that happen?" You're more likely to get an honest exlanation leading up to the breakage. You then understand what happened and realise that a) it was an accident; b) you left it in a vulnerable place or c) this person is clumsy, but it wasn't done out of malice.
At work, someone files your report in the most illogical place. "What was the reason for filing it there?" You listen. You understand. With this new information you a) know how this person's mind works; b) learn an easier way to do something and/or c) understand your own communication and how you could have explained yourself better.
Ask WHY to any of the above and you would have got "it wasn't me" or "I don't know" or "BECAUSE"
And in their mind, the other person would be thinking "you're always picking on me, it's always my fault, I never can please you, you think I do this just to make life difficult, I really hate being here, you're always criticising me....just go away..." And they are searching for the words they think you want to hear, rather than just the truth about "what" or "how"
So, you have one defensive, demoralised, unmotivated person - one relationship is more distant - lines of communication become more foggy and you still don't know the what or how, the who or the when - the thing you really wanted to know when you said "why".
And that's why I want to ban WHY!
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
When I have time...
Too many people have the concept that time management is about being able to do so many more things within the 24 hours that each day has. Put another way, in the world of work, it seems to be a euphamism for getting more and more out of an already overworked employee.We are constantly told we shouldn't waste time or we should save time or manage our time more effectively.
Ok, so firstly let's consider the flipside of these statements. John Lennon said that time you enjoy wasting isn't wasted. As for saving time - what are you saving it for? You can't suddenly decide to save 20 minutes by not filing papers and add the time onto the weekend, or save days or weeks up to add onto the end of your life.
And as for managing time more effectively - time just is. It happens whether we use it effectively or otherwise.
But, to be more serious about time management, it is not about having the time to do more things. It is about having the time to do the things that are important to us. It is about recognising and eliminating the things that clog up our day and stop us from doing those things we want to do. It's a self perpetuating cycle that we get into. We spend too much time doing things that are urgent, rather than important. And how often are we allowing others to dictate what is urgent! Ok, so paying a bill that you overlooked may be urgent, but how many other things in the day are other people's priority rather than yours. How many of these things stop you from moving on those things that are important to you.
We are all experts at avoiding doing the things that really matter - whether at work or home. Then we end up leaving them until they are urgent. And then we rush them. Then we wish we'd had more time to spend on something that really was important to us.
The title of Brian Tracy's book "Eat That Frog" comes from an old saying that if the first thing you do in the morning is eat a live frog, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that it is probably the worst thing you'll do all day. Ok, so I'm not saying that the important things in your life are as awful as a eating a frog, but the metaphor works well. I know I've often spent hours clearing away the "small" jobs, so that I can get down to the bigger, more important one. Then the day has passed or something "urgent" has landed on my desk that simply must have my attention now.
Let's face it, there will never be enough time to do absolutely everything. And when you get right down to it, a lot of the stuff really doesn't matter. In one job I found that staff could spend up to 40% of their week filing forms. Then I found that they only ever needed to refer back to these forms once in a while. So, I asked them not to file in order for a couple of weeks - just let them pile up. The one time that they needed to find a form, they went through the pile in about 15 minutes and found what they wanted. Ok, so 15 minutes may seem like a long time. But considering 3 people were spending up to 50 hours a week filing, you get the idea. And those 50 hours were used improving the quality of their work.
So, take a look at how you spend your time. What's cluttering up your hours? What needless tasks or routines are stopping you from doing the things you want to do. Try not doing them for a while. Eat your frog and get straight down to working on the things that are really important.
And remember - we may find renewable sources of energy, we may reverse global warming, we may even find a very inexpensive way to halt wrinkles. But a minute will always be 60 seconds and a day will always have 24 hours. And when we are old, we will not be wishing that we'd spent more time doing insignificant tasks - we will only be wishing that we'd spent more time doing the things that really mattered to us.
Ok, so firstly let's consider the flipside of these statements. John Lennon said that time you enjoy wasting isn't wasted. As for saving time - what are you saving it for? You can't suddenly decide to save 20 minutes by not filing papers and add the time onto the weekend, or save days or weeks up to add onto the end of your life.
And as for managing time more effectively - time just is. It happens whether we use it effectively or otherwise.
But, to be more serious about time management, it is not about having the time to do more things. It is about having the time to do the things that are important to us. It is about recognising and eliminating the things that clog up our day and stop us from doing those things we want to do. It's a self perpetuating cycle that we get into. We spend too much time doing things that are urgent, rather than important. And how often are we allowing others to dictate what is urgent! Ok, so paying a bill that you overlooked may be urgent, but how many other things in the day are other people's priority rather than yours. How many of these things stop you from moving on those things that are important to you.
We are all experts at avoiding doing the things that really matter - whether at work or home. Then we end up leaving them until they are urgent. And then we rush them. Then we wish we'd had more time to spend on something that really was important to us.
The title of Brian Tracy's book "Eat That Frog" comes from an old saying that if the first thing you do in the morning is eat a live frog, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that it is probably the worst thing you'll do all day. Ok, so I'm not saying that the important things in your life are as awful as a eating a frog, but the metaphor works well. I know I've often spent hours clearing away the "small" jobs, so that I can get down to the bigger, more important one. Then the day has passed or something "urgent" has landed on my desk that simply must have my attention now.
Let's face it, there will never be enough time to do absolutely everything. And when you get right down to it, a lot of the stuff really doesn't matter. In one job I found that staff could spend up to 40% of their week filing forms. Then I found that they only ever needed to refer back to these forms once in a while. So, I asked them not to file in order for a couple of weeks - just let them pile up. The one time that they needed to find a form, they went through the pile in about 15 minutes and found what they wanted. Ok, so 15 minutes may seem like a long time. But considering 3 people were spending up to 50 hours a week filing, you get the idea. And those 50 hours were used improving the quality of their work.
So, take a look at how you spend your time. What's cluttering up your hours? What needless tasks or routines are stopping you from doing the things you want to do. Try not doing them for a while. Eat your frog and get straight down to working on the things that are really important.
And remember - we may find renewable sources of energy, we may reverse global warming, we may even find a very inexpensive way to halt wrinkles. But a minute will always be 60 seconds and a day will always have 24 hours. And when we are old, we will not be wishing that we'd spent more time doing insignificant tasks - we will only be wishing that we'd spent more time doing the things that really mattered to us.
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Managing Christmas
Ok, so November hasn't quite finished. But Christmas is a big time of stress for many of us. Whether it is the rush to finish jobs before the holiday or the stress of spending time with people you only see once a year, the strain can get too much. And after the thrill of giving comes the pain of paying credit card bills and slowly crawling to the next pay day.
Oh it all sounds so depressing! No, seriously, Christmas is a brilliant time of year. If any of the above are going to add to your stress levels, start to think now about how you can minimise or completely remove them from your festive joy. Planning how you want to spend the holiday season (and how much you want to spend) can make all the difference.
Want to know more? Ask me...
Oh it all sounds so depressing! No, seriously, Christmas is a brilliant time of year. If any of the above are going to add to your stress levels, start to think now about how you can minimise or completely remove them from your festive joy. Planning how you want to spend the holiday season (and how much you want to spend) can make all the difference.
Want to know more? Ask me...
Friday, 20 November 2009
Stay Positive
The last day has been awful on so many levels. Non-stop rain in Cumbria meant my son couldn't get home and spent his 21st birthday stuck on a train between Preston and Carlisle. But nothing lasts forever. Those places that have been flooded have a massive clear up to do. Clearing away for something new.
And while it may be difficult to see that when you're in the midst of a difficult situation, inevitably something good comes along and life continues. Being positive isn't all about the fluffy stuff. It is about being realistic - that good will follow the not so good, just as summer follows spring. Life changes. My son may not get another 21st birthday - but he did get the pressies!
And while it may be difficult to see that when you're in the midst of a difficult situation, inevitably something good comes along and life continues. Being positive isn't all about the fluffy stuff. It is about being realistic - that good will follow the not so good, just as summer follows spring. Life changes. My son may not get another 21st birthday - but he did get the pressies!
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